Unfiltered: Chapter 32…

This week was my thirty second birthday. I was hesitant to celebrate – it seemed obsolete as my birthday was mid-week and during the beautiful month of Ramadan,  however I decided it was important to celebrate myself and treat myself as if I’m someone special, even if that felt uncomfortable – In the name of self-love and all.

 I don’t know if this is a common phenomenon, but something about turning a whole year older makes me feel extremely contemplative about everything that has occurred in my small yet significant life. I’ve been pondering on my timeline so far and how certain decisions and poignant moments have sculpted my life into the wilful and accidental masterpiece it is.

Coming into my thirties, I was awash with this immense feeling of understanding, of finally getting what it meant to be comfortable in your skin. After finally stepping away from a decade of heartache, self-loathing and sadness, I was sooo ready to embrace this feeling of calm and contentment, and although it has been difficult to maintain that rigour, elements have stayed with me as if my inner compass has been activated.

Self Check-in

I wanted to do a little check in with myself on some of the goals I set for myself when I turned 30:

Finding Love

This is an ongoing journey, but I think the biggest development that has occurred is that I finally understand and feel comforted by the fact that this aspect of my life is decreed for me and will unravel in the best of ways in the time is that is right.

Cryptic I know, but I feel this intently. Through this mindset, I’m proud to say I have tried things I have never tried before and I am open to new company and new conversations. Maybe more on this in another blog post?

Investing in existing relationships

Through resurfacing on socials and just making a bit more effort to reach out, I’ve reconnected with a lot old friends and it has bought new joy into my life. I have always been encircled with a deeply caring crowd and I momentarily forgot this. But through reconnecting I’m almost remembering who I was.

My Career

I did get a new job! Alhamdulillah. It is in line with direction I want to go into but it has been no easy breeze. It’s forced me to grown in ways I have never needed to before, but I am grateful for every challenging situation that arisen and created those shifts in me. On to bigger and better things Insha’Allah.

Travel and Wonderlust

This wasn’t even in my list because it felt like something I could no longer do, but after a lot of self-healing and many hours in counselling, the self-imposed limitations I had placed on my life have begun to melt away. Since then, I have fulfilled one dream of seeing the Eiffel Tower and I’m in the midst of planning my next trip! Something I could never imagined!

Related Post : 30 Things I’ve Learned In my 30 Years

What if…

Despite the good that I am consciously seeking and highlighting in my life, reflections  will also conjure the aspects I wish had gone differently – Moments I wish I could go back to, to change or even just relive… How different turns would have ended up with different results and essentially created a different me.

So often I find myself thinking…What if I had accepted that place at University? What if I had turned down that job? What if I had just tried harder? What I I had loved myself enough? What if I had let him in? …what if I had said yes?

How old do you have to be to appreciate hindsight… And when does it stop stinging?

There is so much positivity within my life that I have cultivated day by day – but there will always be a part of me that will wonder each year on the 29th of March…’What if…’

I hope this fades in years to come.

2 thoughts on “Unfiltered: Chapter 32…

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